I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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