I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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