i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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