She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
