please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
