Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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