i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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