I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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