I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
