sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
