I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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