4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
