Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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