i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
