One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
