never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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