I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is Oprah even human
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