Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize