how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
