Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
