3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
this hospital has no fireball
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
