Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
