it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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