I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
