He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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