smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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