Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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