I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
