Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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