I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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