Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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