Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
