Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
