Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
