It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
