I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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