Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
