we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
