He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
