after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
