1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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