K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
