At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize