FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
