bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
