Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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