I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
