Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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