he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
