What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
