all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
