so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
