i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
