Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
